Thoughts
Today I’m reminded of how deeply personal grief is. The magnitude of what you feel is directly correlated to the relationship that you had with your loved one. I always felt privileged to be related to someone with such an optimistic outlook. My grandma always had a kind word and took everything in a stride. She was the only grandparent I had for over ten years and her wisdom and wit will be greatly missed. 97 years is a long time and I’m grateful for the time I had with her.
It’s been a good minute since I’ve written and my boyfriend has been strongly encouraging me to share my thoughts. When you write for a living it’s harder to write for fun but I’ll make the attempt today. We have officially hit month 8 on the fast year ever and it’s been a whirlwind. There have been trips and goals reached and I’m glad to be at this point. I’ve become a bit more enlightened on relationships and how expectations don’t always equal reality. What’s true in the moment doesn’t mean it’s true forever and most emotions don’t last forever anyway. Picking my words and taking deep breaths can do wonders for being able to de-escalate a situation. And while I have a partner who is incredibly calm under pressure, it helps to stay calm too. Here’s to more learning and living and finishing the year strong.
Relationships seem to be a common topic among popular culture. We see celebrities get married and then get divorced and we have high hopes for ourselves and for our relationships. As a couples therapist, it’s funny how often couples have inside agreements that they don’t share with others. Even the most “perfect” looking relationships can be two people make major concessions and compromises in order to make it work. I love certain aspects of my relationship but if I could choose to do it over again I wouldn’t. No relationship is perfect but there are times when I wonder what I was thinking. It’s not a bad thing because I still have a strong sense of my individuality and it makes me so glad that I did a lot when I was single. I traveled all over the world. I just wish at times that I had done more in retrospect. Life happens and it’s funny how our relationships change and develop as time goes on.
I just wanted to take a note of this day as one that will never happen again for another thousand years or so. Today I realized that I don’t identify as strongly as I used to with my childhood or college days. I had good times but my life now is so vastly different than it was when religion ruled everything I did. My friends now are ones I’ve met in the last ten years and my life is so different then I planned. I don’t belong in the crowd that I used to and it’s a harsh reality to face but the truth is that I’ve grown a lot. Funny how much things can change in ten years.
Being in a relationship has by far been one of the hardest and yet rewarding experiences of my life. The amount of unselfishness required is unparalleled. I have to think about someone else and be mindful of their feelings. While I knew that it was part of the job description I didn’t anticipate how much it would impact my daily life. However, it’s been a welcome change from being alone all my life. I remember wishing that I could have someone to build a life with and talk to. I’ve always wanted a partner who was also a best friend and I have that. It’s been an experience learning about someone else and caring about their happiness and well being as much as your own. But I’m glad to have the person I’m with. It’s been worth the risk.
It’s funny how your life can end up being different from what you expected. I never dreamed I would feel as settled as I do now. My apartment is one that I like and it feels like home. As a result I’m not chomping at the bit to travel. Thankfully it’s also not hard because there’s still traveling restrictions. But having a significant other and dreaming with them is great even when it means that I’m staying put for a while.
Yesterday—well early this morning, I completed my second round of the Master Cleanse. It was incredibly challenging and even though I didn’t get as much sleep as I wanted I made it to the end. Also, it marked the fact that I’ve lost a little over 40lbs in the past year and I’m also not single anymore. In a time where it’s easy to gain “in love” weight and to emotionally eat I’ve managed to lose a few pounds and I’m glad for that. It also means that I’m closer to my goal and it’s a good feeling. Now that the gym is opening up again I’ll start focusing on building muscle and gaining more definition while losing these last few pounds. It’s been a hard long journey but I know that with perseverance and commitment I’ll get to where I need to go.
If you would’ve told me last year that I would be spending weekends hanging out with my boyfriend I never would’ve believed you. It’s been a roller coaster of emotions but it finally feels like there’s a good shot of this being something long term. My weekends are spent staying up, laughing and talking until the wee hours of the morning and discussing world events. It’s been a great way to finally wind down and prepare for the work week. I’m learning the importance of being flexible and taking some things as they come. Everything can’t go my way all the time. But it’s been a great few months so far.
Most people will say that relationships take hard work and boy are they right. Even when you’re with someone who is compatible to you there’s a 100% change that they won’t be on the same as you all the time. Two different people, two very different perspectives. I was not expecting the amount of work that it takes to communicate effectively and to make sure that I’m listening to understand instead of listening to respond. It’s definitely been a learning curve in a lot of ways. I’ve had to learn how to ask for feedback instead of making major decisions without any consultation or thought to how it would impact the long term plans for the relationships. Definitely not for the faint of heart. But one thing I know that if something is worth doing, it’s work doing well and a relationship is one of those things that you can’t afford to ignore and believe that everything will be fine.
The Un-edited Truth of Di 
Recent Comments