I’ve been doing a lot of self soothing in the last 24 hours and I know myself well enough to know that I have about another 24 to go. I fall into like harder than most people and crawling out is like trying to navigate through a mudslide. I’m resilient and rational when my feelings aren’t involved. But when they are it’s a different story. It’s hard to not have abandonment issues when everyone keeps leaving you. And I mean legitimately leaving you. It’s hard to work on trusting people when there’s no one you can trust and that’s my dilemma. I’m not a perfect person and I don’t expect perfection. But to have someone who could just be there and be consistent would be everything to me. It’s one of those things where I just have to experience the emotions and cry it out once again. I know that I’ll be fine as I always am but it’s just good for the soul to vent sometimes. I love having the chance to help people have better relationships and relate to each other better but for once in my life I’d like some of that good karma turned back on me. But until then I’ll just take a lot of deep breaths and try not to be so hard on myself. Another one bites the dust again. I just hate that I feel things so so deeply. Being an empath is not for the faint of heart and I pay my dues in tears on the regular. I’ll be ok…..
My love life has always been pretty much dead. There have been a few glimpses of sunlight here and there but for the vast majority of the time it is cloaked in darkness. The people who I like don’t like me back and the people who like me I don’t want. It’s a vicious cycle at this point. It’s interesting how education can end up making you more self aware. I’ve realized that for some reason everyone (at least romantically) has left me for one reason or another. Most of the time I don’t get an explanation. Just silence. This has happened every single time there’s been some semblance of hope that for once my life won’t go the way that it usually does. I’m intense. I feel hard, I love hard, and I don’t know anything different. But because I know that I’m all these things, I make a huge effort not to be too much and to be more reserved. After rejection after rejection with no end in sight I’ve come to this emotionally safer way of handling it. While it still hurts, it’s not as devastating as it used to be. The rejection part doesn’t get easier but I find it better when I can compartmentalize. I meet a guy, he’s great, conversation is good. We discuss hanging out again. He leaves and never talks to me again. It’s happened more times than I can count at this point and it would appear the streak is not ending. I always go through this mini-period of mourning. It’s not long and drawn out but it only happens when I really liked the person and wanted something more. I have to cry it out, shed some tears, listen to gangsta rap, gather myself, and keep moving. However, lately that’s been harder to do than usual. Because I met him. I goddamn fucking met him. And while I would do anything not have this thing go the usual way, once again I feel absolutely helpless and powerless to do anything about it. You can’t make people’s decisions for them and you can’t love someone else into loving you. I learned that lesson a long time ago. It’s just that when you meet someone who complements you so well, you want them to stay around. But once again (because it’s me, or because it’s fate), I don’t see that happening. It just sucks. It really fucking sucks.
I just want to share some pictures from my trip to Aruba. The weather is amazing and the people are nice as well.
I’ve never seen a status that has summed up my entire romantic life up to this point. I admit that I’ve cried over it many times because it is just so frustrating. You have to remind yourself that the kind gestures don’t mean anything but your heart wishes that things were different. The people who I love don’t love me back and that’s why I’m single. I don’t want to settle for something that I don’t want in order to be with someone. I’m better off alone in that circumstance. I just hope the Universe decides soon to put someone serious and also attractive in my path. It’s hard to watch the people that you love, love someone else. But at the end of the day I only wish them happiness because I truly do love them and I want them to be happy even if it isn’t with me.
A few weeks ago I went to Iceland for 4 days. It was cold but was a great trip. Here are a few pictures. I definitely plan to go again one day.
I saw this and it make me think. Dating as an almost 30 year old is summed up by this sentence. You can’t ever assume anything and people lie to much it’s hard to know what to believe. I just hate the fact that things can’t be more straight forward. I hate that I have to assume from day one that there are others you’re talking to. I hate having to remember that I can’t get attached because I’ll get hurt or you don’t feel the same way. Every time I attempt to date I’m reminded of how much it really sucks–at least when you’re serious about it. Casual stuff isn’t preferable but there are less expectations so you’re less likely to get screwed over.
Well ladies and gentleman, I’ve had one good date this year. I admit that I want another one but as usual, there’s the possibility that this is it. I had been chatting with a guy for a few days and he suggested that we meet up for the first time. It was a little later than expected (around 8pm), but my first thought as I laid eyes on him was, “this could work.” He was very attractive but it was immediately apparent that he was nice. He paid without hesitation and pulled out my chair. It was a great conversation. Then we just walked and talked. It was amazing. I don’t know what will happen in the future but I think he’d be a good person to share it with.
So on Sunday I defended my dissertation and I passed. However, it was one of the most nerve wracking experiences. I started preparing way too late (that morning), and my practice runs were HORRIBLE. I was stumbling through and messing up my words. Thankfully when the time came to present I sounded somewhat coherent and was able to provide answers to the questions that were asked. It’s still sinking in that this process is finally coming to an end. A PhD is something that a lot of people don’t have and it’s considered the highest degree you can achieve so it’s great to have something that gives me some credibility (hopefully).It’s been six years since I started and so much has transpired. But now I can make people call me doctor :-). Not really, but it will be nice to have the title of Dr. instead of Ms…