There’s something that I have literally been dreading for the past year or so. While it’s a happy event in and of itself, it signifies yet another heart crushing experience. I’ve never been the person who can’t be happy for others because I wish it was me but I must admit that having that perspective is especially hard with that situation. Blood, sweat, tears, hundreds of hours of inconvenience, and everything else has gone into this thing and now it’s been proved that it’s all for nothing. Not the best feeling ever. I’ll need a moment or two–or three.
I’m in the process of doing an entire overhaul of my life. Changing jobs, locations, and friends. The thing is that everything isn’t set up just yet. While I hate uncertainty, there’s something that tells me this will work out. I want to do something different and I have to finish this degree before anything else. So it’s time to create an environment that is conducive to focusing on writing. A change is needed. I just admit that I’m concerned but I’m reminded of a friend who stated that their life goal was freedom and it certainly is mine as well. So I have to leave the known and take a risk. I can’t get caught up in the supposed security of a job. I want to make my own job so that I’m never in danger of being fired. That’s essential for me–as well as doing something to positively impact the next generation. Out my comfort zone I go.
I’ve come to the realization that sometimes we don’t miss people. We miss the feelings that we had when we were with them. There are some people that can naturally bring out the best in you. You feel like a better version of yourself. You feel safe and happy when you’re with them and as a result you can comfortable being vulnerable. I think that it’s rare to meet these kind of people. While I know they exist, I think their rare-ness makes you appreciate these kind of people more when you find them. We remember how these people make us feel because they have a way of putting us at ease. There’s something comfortable and familiar about their presence. I’ve found that in some twist of fate, many times these people aren’t in close proximity to us. Distance doesn’t always rule in our favor and while the memories may not be as vivid, the corresponding feelings remain untainted in our minds. Sometimes love is a part of the equation and sometimes it isn’t. So to all those who have someone close in proximity to them who makes them genuinely happy and as if they could accomplish anything in the world because they feel emotionally safe, I’m jealous.
This picture sums up how I feel. The majority of my friends are married and now having kids. I don’t think I’m quite old maid age yet. Being 25 is still considered to be fairly young I hope. Regardless of all that I do want to travel more. I have more international trips planned this year and a few in the works for next year.
I gave an idea to a friend of mine and now I’m waiting to get some feedback. It’s always been challenging getting my message across verbally when I’m not upset so I put it in the form of an email. It’s not super intense but it gets my message across very clearly. It’s funny how relationships evolve and change in short periods of time. I never want to give up something good but sometimes it’s worth the risk to explore something that could be better. The waiting game sucks though.
The planning aspect of my life right now seems to be the epitome of crazy. I want to make sure the next move is good professionally as well as personally. It’s a hard place to be in knowing that I still have a deadline. There’s a part of me that wishes for a significant other to consult with. That I was part of a “we” and it wasn’t just me. While this wish is futile, I want to be in an environment where I have that opportunity. Even if it means turning down other opportunities along the way. I don’t want to sacrifice happiness for the sake of this degree so I have to find something that’ll work with both. Hopefully that happens.
I think that the Universe sometimes just knows what you need. I was missing someone and then had the best dream about them that gave me some peace on the matter. Stuff like that has happened before and I’m really grateful for those times. It’s a reminder that some people are actually worth missing. I just wish at times that distance was only our imagination playing tricks on us. But it’s a real thing. Until then, I’ll keep dreaming—and maybe journaling.