I’ve always had a problem with goodbyes. While I have loved jobs and hated jobs, the hardest part has always been saying goodbye to my colleagues and my patients. There’s always a finality to it that is disturbing. I’m someone who likes closure so it’s nice to tie up all the loose ends and tell everyone goodbye. I just hate the tears and the knowledge that they’ll never be my colleagues again. It’s a hard reality that I’ve experienced a lot and it doesn’t get easier. But you have to do what you have to do right?
At this point you have finally accepted everything. The wounds ache instead of sting and you’re closer to moving on. You feel a bit better and you remember that everything happens for a reason. You’ve stopped questioning the prior events and you believe that there is a future for you that’s better than what you experienced.
I have to admit that so far I’ve had fairly positive experiences with guys (fingers crossed). I’ve stayed away from the jerks and cut off the users and manipulators before they could strike. But since this recent interaction I’ve realized some things. Knowing and interacting with a lot of good men raises your standards. I expect more because I’ve seen more. I’m still learning that every great guy isn’t always going to be great for me long term. Even with a terrific work ethic and personality. It’s a hard reality for someone who hates small talk and would much rather jump into deep thoughtful vulnerable conversations. You find yourself missing things that you don’t remember noticing. Having something that I wanted for a decade snatched away after a few weeks was disappointing. Maybe the emotional equivalent of giving someone dying of thirst a cup of water and denying them any subsequent refills. It just sucks. On to the next I suppose.
While I enjoy the perks of adulthood sometimes I hate the responsibility. I want to buy expensive purses but bill have to take priority because it makes no sense to be homeless with a Prada purse. I’ve been in a holding pattern for a while an although it’s been fun it’s time to return to the land of the full time employed. I like paying bills on time and going out to eat on a whim. Almost as much as I like being a bum all day and sleeping on my couch.
There’s still a twinge of anger but some things are just not meant to be no matter how hard we want them to. I learned a lot about myself from the experience and while I’m not elated with the outcome it could be a lot worse. I realized how much of a different having a significant other can make firsthand and maybe, just maybe I’ll get another shot at one. You never know.
Looks like the corner has been turned and slowly but surely the sun is coming out again. You’ve made peace with the decision made and come to the conclusion that you don’t want a relationship where everything is one-sided. There honestly are other fish around and luckily you live in an area where you can find additional fish when you really want to. It’s not ideal but it works out. You remember that what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger and you’ve gotten stronger.
After the week I’ve had I’ve decided to do something that brings me almost as much joy as traveling. A music concert. At this point your emotions have done a complete 180. There are other fish in the sea and no such thing as one soulmate that you need to enjoy eternal bliss with. You realize that a failed relationship isn’t the end of the world and that many people have gone through worse. All men aren’t dogs and despite the odds you have other things to concern yourself with. It’s over. You enjoyed it. You’re moving on.
Slowly but surely reality has started to set in. You no longer went to beg and plead the Universe to change its mind. There is still an underlying feeling of anger that you got blindsided. Thankfully I got a warning 24 hours ahead of time. I think at this stage one becomes more resigned. Let’s be honest, you don’t want to beg and plead. You’re thinking about how to navigate a friendship in the future without it being weird. The person played a huge part in your life and you miss the laughs and inside jokes. You don’t want that to go away forever. This involves maturity and deciding when to actually have a conversation about it. Hard but sometimes necessary for closure.
Acceptance is finally sinking in. At some point one has to decide to stop crying over spilled milk and move on. Men lie,women lie and that’s a fact of life. I think responding well is half the battle. At this point random crying spells are starting to abate. It still sucks but it’s not the end of the world. You think about the good times and you miss them. But you realize that at the end of the day you don’t want someone who doesn’t want you and that you can’t love anyone into loving you. Life goes on.