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The Un-edited Truth of Di

Month

February 2016

Feeling comfortable 

It’s hard being without someone you once felt 100% comfortable with. Friendships change and sometimes you’re just not as close as you used to be. It takes a minute to warm up to someone and as a result, when they leave there’s a part of your heart that goes with them that you’ll never get back. 
  

Sad truth 

Enough said.. I can’t even describe how accurate this is. 

  

The way it has to be

Today I had to make a pretty hard decision. It wasn’t something that I wanted to do but something that had to be done. The thing is that while I know I can be dramatic at times, there are some instances where red flags just can’t be ignored. Personally, I don’t care for the process of getting to know people. It’s a lot of time and conversation to get to the point of feeling comfortable and if those things don’t happen then they are pegged as acquaintances instead of potential friends. I know that life is stressful and everyone is busy but refusing to answer phone calls and responding to texts 8 hours after the fact indicates a lack of caring, disregard of common courtesy and a lack of any serious intent to build a relationship. I’m so over it. The spaces in my life for people that I know I can’t count on have already been filled and I refuse to create a waiting list. So then that means that a cut off needs to happen. It’s not due some huge disagreement but rather different priorities. It really sucks because I did see some potential but I can’t deal with being consistently ignored without any explanation. That’s not how I want to live. But ultimately, the person made that choice themselves and while there’s no hard feelings I’ve learned that I have to protect myself first. Just wish it didn’t have to be this way. 

Conclusions 

I have to admit that I tend to jump to conclusions. I’m a planner and I like to think ahead. A fear inventory I did a while back revealed a crippling fear of the unknown. I like to know what’s ahead but that’s not always possible because I don’t know the future. The best one can do is think ahead and hope for the best. Not my favorite thing to do but it’s necessary. I’m working on it. 

Anxiety 

Not too long ago, someone I was close to said I was an anxious person. So not true. I’m the one that solves problems, I’m cool and collected and I’m rarely flustered. But then I started to actually notice the way that I worry at times about the most mundane things. I’m known to double check all hair products to make sure they are unplugged before leaving the house. More recently, I realized how easy it is to jump to conclusions or worry about something that I can’t control. I don’t get a reply to a text and suddenly the person doesnt like me or is laying in a hospital somewhere. Of course the above could be true but it’s not really that likely. Anxiety feels like a rock in the pit of my stomach that is hard to think away. It’s not always logical but I’ve learned that distracting myself helps a lot. Taking some deep breaths and listening to some IDGAF songs can be lifesaving as well. I’ve always said that it’s a curse and a blessing to feel things so deeply. I can’t save everyone and do everything. I can only do my best and leave it at that. This would be the perfect opportunity for a significant other to be reassuring. Definitely a downside of being (seemingly) chronically single.

The day is almost here

I must admit that this year’s Valentine’s Day is something I’m not too excited about. At the beginning of the year I thought that for the first time in my life I would actually have a significant other. But that turned out not to be the case. I’m not anti-love but it’s getting old. Maybe I’m just not the greatest optimist. Or maybe it’s just the noticeable absence of a significant other as I go through life and wish I had someone to tell random shit to. Or maybe I’m just high maintenance. Needless to say, I’m just tired of wanting something that still evades me. 

My resolve

I’ve come to the realization that I’m definitely the pursuer in relational situations. I’m the one who checks to see if a person is ok. I make an effort to talk to them and I make time for people. However, it’s never reciprocated. This year I’ve decided to stop running after people who would never do the same for me. I’m tired of going out on a limb and not getting anything in return. I think that this just means I need to be a bit more selective about my friends and also take the time to do fun things for me–at least once in a while. It would be nice to have a significant relationship that embodied more of a “give and take” type of approach.

Three weeks in 

Definitely feeling a bit better than I did a few short weeks ago. Time doesn’t heal wounds but it stings a bit less. In its place comes loneliness that feels like it won’t ever go away. You let someone into your life and then you have to let them go and attempt to get through all the emotions without doing something regrettable. I don’t care for this at all. Time should help. I hope it helps. 

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