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The Un-edited Truth of Di

Month

March 2016

Love crisis 

I saw this article and had to share. You can find the link here 

This is definitely how I feel at times.

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I’m worried 

That the last time I saw him was the last time I’ll see him. Yes, it may be irrational in this situation because I’ll see him next week but it’s happened to me before. I’ve had someone make promises about the life we would build together and then take it all back. I’ve had someone tell me they liked me only to call the next day and say that they changed their mind. I hate feeling paranoid but I also hate feeling unprepared for heartbreak.  There’s nothing like that feeling when you’ve genuinely felt tricked and I want to avoid it. It’s like literally waiting for the other shoe to drop. I don’t want it to end but I can’t count on it continuing. It just sucks. 

The valley of ambivalence 

I hate being here. Maybe I’m rushing but I have to honest. I prefer the brutal truth of the inevitable instead of waiting for it. I want him to dismiss me. Stop answering messages and ignore me. I’ll get the message. It’s happened so many times before that I’ve come to expect it. The non-serious people always find me. It’s hard to be promised that someone is in it for “the long run” and be dumped a week later. Maybe  I’m just too jaded to love. I would rather cry my tears than hope and wish this thing was different. It’s hard enough to be open and get hurt over and over again. Maybe I’ve already screwed up and I don’t know it. I don’t want to prolong the inevitable. Just get it over with. But of course I’ve learned that you can’t love someone into loving you. Just wish it wasn’t this hard. But I know that I’m not being rational. The damn anxiety rears its ugly head once again. I’m strong and I’ll deal with whatever happens as I always have. I just need to be patient and let the chips fall where they may.

Patience is what I need

So I really like this guy and I’m not hearing back from him as frequently as I would like. Normally my anxiety would take over and I would do something to sabatage and ensure that this didn’t go anywhere. But that’s not what I want. I’m notorious for jumping to conclusions and I need to play this one by ear and take it slower. Have to stop planning potential trips and thinking about wedding colors. We are nowhere near that. Plus I don’t want to be that insane who calls and texts constantly. The fact is that if it’s meant to be it will be. But more patience in the process would be nice. 

Oh well

I have to say that I’m tired of this being alone thing. I envy the people who are happily partnered. I’ve gotten fairly used to going through the hard and sad times alone. After all, they’re personal and aren’t shared by anyone else. But damn, it’s the happy moments that always get to me. I’ve never had a significant other present at graduations or moments of professional recognition. It’s just suck at times. Oh well, on to the week and these workouts. 

5 days in 

So this whole lifestyle change thing has been so difficult. Why is it hard to be healthy but easy to be fat and lazy? I guess it’s all in how you look at it. I’ve stuck to my workout regimen of 5am workouts before work and eating right. I have started cooking more because processed foods aren’t the best. So far so good. I just can’t wait until this gets easier. 

Decisions 

Recently I came face to race with the hard reality that I’m fat. I stepped on the scale for the first time in months and almost burst into tears. It was bad. Really bad. I wondered how I got to this point but then realized that it’s because I’ve been finding some sort of weird comfort in food. My life has drastically changed in the last few months. I’ve lost a roommate, moved across the country, lost several friends and I’ve started 3 new jobs. Food has been the only thing that has been consistent. But it’s time for a change. I refuse to be both single and fat. It’s not what I want. So good luck to me as I try to develop an obsession with fitness. 

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