I hate being here. Maybe I’m rushing but I have to honest. I prefer the brutal truth of the inevitable instead of waiting for it. I want him to dismiss me. Stop answering messages and ignore me. I’ll get the message. It’s happened so many times before that I’ve come to expect it. The non-serious people always find me. It’s hard to be promised that someone is in it for “the long run” and be dumped a week later. Maybe  I’m just too jaded to love. I would rather cry my tears than hope and wish this thing was different. It’s hard enough to be open and get hurt over and over again. Maybe I’ve already screwed up and I don’t know it. I don’t want to prolong the inevitable. Just get it over with. But of course I’ve learned that you can’t love someone into loving you. Just wish it wasn’t this hard. But I know that I’m not being rational. The damn anxiety rears its ugly head once again. I’m strong and I’ll deal with whatever happens as I always have. I just need to be patient and let the chips fall where they may.

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