Man…, that’s all I’ll say about this one
I. Hate.This. Shit. Yes, I understand that it’s imperative for me and my health to live healthier and basically do better. However, it’s hard developing new habits and saying no to these carb cravings. I’ve been pretty consistent in working out at least 3 times a week. I was doing mornings but lately I’ve slept through my alarms so this week I’ve been working out at the gym during lunch time. I was putting in work today with a weighted ball and wondered how much easier it would be to just accept myself as fat? I’d keep buying large clothes and give a shrug of indifference to those who said anything about me letting myself go. It would just be easier instead of fighting through muscles that scream in protest to being used. Sweating though my scalp and ruining my hair that I worked hard on. But I have to keep going. Despite not “feeling” like it. I think that hardest thing about this is that it’s ALL mental. Yeah, the soreness isn’t fun but at the end of the day it’s all about mindset. I joked to myself today (yes, I do that) that I had to get my work out in because I spent most of my morning jumping to conclusions. I feel like exercise is a necessary evil and it’s still not my favorite thing. But I’m going to keep at it.
Lack of sleep doesn’t help worrying at all. It would be nice to wish it away but I know why it’s there. The truth of the matter is that there’s a chance that everything is ok but the chance that it’s not is messing with me. No news might be good news but it could also mean that it’s all over. But I can only manage myself and I can’t make anyone do anything. I can only help that they appreciate honesty and being straight forward as much as I do. Just wish it wasn’t so hard at times. I’ll be fine but I definitely need some sleep.
I’ve been following a very tragic case in the news lately about a mother of three in Seattle who went missing. Reports said that she had gone on a date to a baseball game with a guy she met online and had not been heard from since. She was a nurse with three beautiful children who disappearance raised immediate concerns because it was so unlike her to be gone without telling anyone. The story took an even sadder turn when body parts were discovered in a recycling bin and evidence of human remains were found in her bathroom. They have arrested her date and charged him with murder. The whole story is a reminder of how bad this world is. I’ve mentioned several times that I’m not a huge fan of online dating. The truth is that there are just as many bad people online as there are in everyday life. My limited experience with Internet dating was an epic fail. Ok, maybe not epic and maybe not even a fail. Time will have to tell. I will say that this story is incredibly sad and I wish that there was a better outcome. I’m guilty of having people I’ve met over online to my house without meeting in a public place first. Yes, they were screened and were nice people but it was a huge risk. This story reminded me that anything can happen. I was extremely lucky that my poor decisions didn’t have permanent consequences. However, from now forward I’m going to be a lot safer when meeting people in person that I’ve met online. She did nothing to deserve death and my heart goes out to her loved ones and children who are now motherless.
I can’t lie. I’m feeling extremely emotionally drained. It’s not because of internal angst for the most part. I must admit that that’s nice for a change. It’s difficult to hold an emotional space of safety for an extended period of time. For me, this means that at the end I want to come home and (wishful thinking) cuddle with a significant other and sleep. But that’s not my experience by any stretch of the imagination. I’m grateful for the opportunity to do what I do but a recharge is necessary for me. The introvert is in full force tonight.
So apparently the Universe wanted me to see the guy again and it happened. But I’m still worried that I’m going to get dropped at a moments notice. It would be cool to have the luxury of belief when I was told that this wasn’t a casual thing but we all know people lie. I hate feeling like I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop and for my fears to be realized. While I want to live in the moment I want to be prepared for the screeching halt and subsequent annihilation of my hopes. That’s going to suck and being prepared beforehand would be nice. I don’t want to hear the “we aren’t compatible” speech but by the same token, I just want to get it over with.