Saw this on Facebook and wanted to share. It sucks being alone but it sucks more to be with someone and still be alone. Having your emotional needs ignored isn’t fun and sometimes it’s better to wait than be stuck. Guess I’m speaking to myself.
I love music and ran into this song on YouTube. I started playing the piano at the tender age of 5. While I don’t play anymore, my appreciation for skilled musicians has remained. I’m not a huge hymn person but I absolutely loved this particular interpretation. There’s something about the ability to mix and arrange something in a way that retains the essence while also doing something different.
Happy Birthday. From the moment I saw you I knew that I wanted you. It was probably pretty superficial but your depth was immediately recognized when you want out the way to help someone with a wheelchair. I decided that you were someone I wanted to meet so I introduced myself and over the period of the next two years I got to know you better. I saw how you always put other’s ahead of yourself and that you were passionate about making your mark on the world. I got to know your family who you supported through thick and thin no matter what. I saw you leading groups of people with confidence and kindness and for some strange reason I ended up loving you. But the way you threw out a “love you” in a farewell, and the way that I loved you was totally different. I watched you date other people and finally settle down with one. I saw you genuinely happy and while I was happy for you, a huge part of me wished the outcome could been different. You were the one person on the planet I had no reservations about having a future with. And that’s still the case. I realized that I needed some distance and made a hard decision. You assured me that I was family and that you would always have my back. I’ve learned that sometimes the hardest thing you can do for someone you love is to walk away. I want you to be happy and I know that you are in your current relationship. I want to send a long flowery description of all the things I love about you but will settle for a cliche and trite birthday wish. I would love to tell you how much I miss you and that no matter who I meet, they’re still not you. But that would be pointless and cause more harm than good. So I’ll write it here. Where you’ll (hopefully) never see it. Loving from afar is what I do best. I wish you all the best and hope that all your dreams are realized because out of everyone I know, you deserve it the most. I love you and always will–despite the distance and time. But I also recognize that you have your own life to live so I’ll let you do that. Just know that I’m forever proud of you and that I’m here if you ever need anything. I hope she realizes what a gem she has. Happy Birthday.
I’ve always been a fan of epic endings. There’s nothing like a last minute score at a sporting event. Or a happily ever after moment in a movie. Not too long ago, I was reminded of a bittersweet moment a few years ago. I remember sitting in one of my last college classes and thinking about how my life would change after school. Because it was the last class before finals, everybody decided to show up–even the people who would typically drop in about once a month despite the fact that the class met once a week. The atmosphere was jovial because the majority of my fellow students were graduating in about a week. We got our final papers back and I had gotten a ninety-something–good enough to get an A in the class. We talked about the final and what to study–I didn’t know that it would be the last time I sat in a college classroom as an undergraduate student. After class, I took a second to speak to the guy that I liked my ENTIRE college career and wish him the best on the final–and his life. I said what I needed to say without professing my undying love because it wasn’t necessary and also wasn’t returned. I’ve always found myself walking away from things I’ve wanted to keep. This time was no exception but I got the results I wanted.
So lately I’ve had the hardest time getting out of bed in the morning. It’s not that I’m chained or anything but sleep has been very elusive and a few more hours would make me so much happier. I know sleep is imperative to being healthy and I can’t remember the last time I’ve gotten more than 6 hours in a night. It’s like my mind can’t shut down and focus on sleeping. I’m going to have to work on that. One nice thing is that I’m making more of an effort to eat healthier and it’s been good for me. I’ve been fairly consistent with the gym thing–even starting to run on the treadmill even though I’m positive I make a spectacle of myself. But now I’m just sorta bored with my life. It’s honestly time for something different. Consistently is great but I love variety as well. I have to find some ways to incorporate that into my life. Maybe a pole dancing class?
On one hand, being alone all the time can get old quick. But you become adaptable and you find a way to cope. On the other hand, having someone for a short period of time is great but it makes being alone again that much harder. I have a guy friend coming to visit that I’ll get to spend some time with. But when he leaves being alone will be worse than it was before because it will hurt that much more. It sucks either way. But I prefer seeing him and just dealing with it as opposed to avoiding the whole thing.
These last few weeks have been challenging but today I got some information that brightened my entire day. My guy is coming into town in a few weeks. Ok, I know he’s not mine in any way but it will be good to see a familiar place. He lives on another continent so meeting up happens very infrequently. I realized that although I miss him terribly, I miss who I am when I’m with him more. He’s the only person I’ve felt 100% safe with and who knows how to calm my racing thoughts and constant questionings effortlessly. I feel so centered, anchored and comfortable in our interactions. I’ve never felt as at peace with myself and the world when I’m in his presence. He’s one of the few people who has said to me “I got you, don’t worry” and I actually believe him. Someone who pays attention to me without being asked and is a perfect gentleman. God, I miss that guy. It will be nice to see him again.