I just feel so heavy today. Not sure why but this is one of the days that I would give a lot to get a supportive hug from a significant other. To be honest, I’m tired of being rejected. It’s gotten old but the pain doesn’t lessen. I know the common denominator is me and that it’s probably something that I have (or haven’t done). I wholeheartedly believe that people have the power to choose who they want to be with but I’m tired of never ever being chosen. I’m tired of wishing that someone is telling the truth when they talk about a future with me. I know they’re lying but that doesn’t change the fact that I wish they were being honest. I have trust issues and I know that I need to work on that but it’s really hard to address when there’s no one to trust. I have a pretty decent life but it’s over shadowed by bouts of bone numbing loneliness. I’ll be fine. I’ll live like I always do. I’m just tired.
I’m going to type this up quickly and get it out of my head to a screen where I can look at it and analyze further. But first let me say how much I hate online dating. True, I’ve met some decent people but nothing that’s lasted. While I don’t blame the method, it’s always easier (in my opinion) to meet people initially face to face. So I met someone and am starting to have what I call “pre-feelings.” This usually indicates that some emotional meltdown is coming. I always going through this cycle of anticipatory grief because I never believe that it will work out. It’s like I’m going in waiting for the inevitable end and I’ve already resolved to do the best that I can for as long as I can. I hate to sound to pessimistic but when I say it never works out…it NEVER works out. It’s the new normal and as much as I hate it, I can’t make someone do anything. I’m always the one who is in and they’re always the one who is out. My entire life there’s never ever ever been an exception to that rule. It’s really a hope-killer when that’s been your experience for so long. To the point that it literally seems like a waste of time to even start or be apart of anything that seems doomed to fail because you’re the common denominator. It really really sucks. You tend to second guess yourself and regret getting into anything from the beginning because you can already predict how it will turn out. I read some of my old journals today and the same thing has been happening for a literal decade. A whole freaking decade. I don’t know why I bother but for some reason the hopeless romantic in me won’t give up hoping that “this one” will be it. Even despite the horrid history. I just want this whole failure streak to end. I personally am tired of explaining why I’m still single. I’m just over it all. So here I go again, in this anticipatory grief cycle because I know this one is going to hurt because I actually liked the guy. Sucks for me. But maybe….just maybe this time will be different.
So today was my 2nd non-weekend day off since February and it was good. I love being able to sleep in and rest a little. I realized this weekend how much more I want to do with my life. It’s annoying to feel like you haven’t done anything. And don’t get me wrong, I’ve some some stuff. But there are so many places I want to go and see. I hate feeling stuck and I love having options. It’s time to do something different.