I’m going to type this up quickly and get it out of my head to a screen where I can look at it and analyze further. But first let me say how much I hate online dating. True, I’ve met some decent people but nothing that’s lasted. While I don’t blame the method, it’s always easier (in my opinion) to meet people initially face to face. So I met someone and am starting to have what I call “pre-feelings.” This usually indicates that some emotional meltdown is coming. I always going through this cycle of anticipatory grief because I never believe that it will work out. It’s like I’m going in waiting for the inevitable end and I’ve already resolved to do the best that I can for as long as I can. I hate to sound to pessimistic but when I say it never works out…it NEVER works out. It’s the new normal and as much as I hate it, I can’t make someone do anything. I’m always the one who is in and they’re always the one who is out. My entire life there’s never ever ever been an exception to that rule. It’s really a hope-killer when that’s been your experience for so long. To the point that it literally seems like a waste of time to even start or be apart of anything that seems doomed to fail because you’re the common denominator. It really really sucks. You tend to second guess yourself and regret getting into anything from the beginning because you can already predict how it will turn out. I read some of my old journals today and the same thing has been happening for a literal decade. A whole freaking decade. I don’t know why I bother but for some reason the hopeless romantic in me won’t give up hoping that “this one” will be it. Even despite the horrid history. I just want this whole failure streak to end. I personally am tired of explaining why I’m still single. I’m just over it all. So here I go again, in this anticipatory grief cycle because I know this one is going to hurt because I actually liked the guy. Sucks for me. But maybe….just maybe this time will be different.
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