Have you ever had something that you dreaded until it came and then you were happy it was over. There aren’t any words to describe how happy I am that this weekend is over. I love what I do and I love couples therapy but it is so incredibly emotionally draining. What makes it worse is that I don’t have a partner to vent to. I think it’s difficult to work hard on someone’s relationship and return to my empty apartment. Not exactly the life I imagined. Oh well.
So I finally bought a wine glass that fits an entire bottle of wine. After trying it out tonight I decided that it will only be used for special occasions. I happen to be grieving and it’s bad. Normally I bounce back quickly but not this time. I’m sad about what could have been and why I wasn’t chosen. It just hurts. I need a few more weeks and I’ll be fine. It’s just funny how I’ll give so much just to have it discarded in the end. I just want a consistent significant other but that seems like too much.
Today, I’ve been stopping myself from wishing happy birthday to someone who shares his birthday with the current leader of the free world. I have to admit, while I’ve only done it for the last two years in a row it still feels weird to not do it. I’m the kind of person who has to show someone they’re important to me even if it’s not reciprocated. This year I’ve been working on not being so emotionally open and giving with people who want nothing to do with me and have backed up this sentiment with their actions. The rejection from him really hurt but I knew that there was a good chance that the outcome of the situation wouldn’t be in my favor. There’s something to be said about the intimacy of a quiet moment you spend with someone watching them sleep and wishing that it could be a permanent arrangement. You want to pray to that end but know that the prayers will be in vain because that’s just not how life is cut out. There’s the impending dread of the fact that you may never see the person again and the even more difficulty reality that you’ll probably never have this kind of moment with them again. It feels right, you feel like you’re home and that you’re accepted unconditionally but there’s no longevity. Every second brings you closer to the inevitable separation. You look at his sleeping face and whisper “I wish I could keep you,” but you know that despite everything it’s not meant to be and you both will return to your separate continents of residence. You just want things to be different but they aren’t. Time passes and you accept the fact that you will most likely never see him again. His birthday comes around, and you think of him with fondness but realize that contacting him will only make it worse in your attempt to get over it all. That’s my life folks.
I don’t consider myself a foodie but I do enjoy trying new restaurants. I tend to be an emotional eater–hence the fact that I’ve gained weight since I’ve started dating and consequently decided to stop. Anyway, yesterday I went to a good Mexican restaurant in Colorado and while it wasn’t as spiced as well as I would like, it was good. The flan that I had was amazing. One thing I enjoy about eating out is that it’s more fun when you have good company as well.