This year I’ve been alone for the holidays. And while I love my family immensely, there are just some times where I wish you had a significant other to celebrate with. While it would be nice to have an actual thoughtful gift for once, I just really want the companionship. I know all the pitfalls of making someone your all and all but I would have such a better quality of life if I could get a warm hug more than once every few weeks or months. If I’m being honest with myself, I miss my fling guy. It was a one time thing but I felt comfortable and safe with him and it’s not something that I get to experience often. But that’s the nature of the fling. All good things have to come to an end. I just wish that didn’t have to. But it could be worse. I won’t complain. After all, my Christmas gift to myself was pretty amazing. A trip to London.
This morning I heard from a person I genuinely didn’t think I would hear from again. He just wanted to check in with me. I had mixed feelings because he never said goodbye the last time we talked. Just made a promise and then went ghost without any explaining. It was pretty hurtful considering that we live a continent apart.But there’s also a part of me that will always remember him fondly despite everything. He was there for me at a time that I needed him and I’ll always be grateful for that. I’m just disappointed that I couldn’t be a more consistent presence in his life. But it was nice to hear from him.
This has by far been the longest week I’ve had in a while. Complicated by the fact that there’s someone I sorta like but I have no idea if or how it will pan out. So my overthinking side is on hyper alert. It’s absolutely more stressful than it should be and it’s affecting my sleep. But I’ll get over it soon as I usually do. I feel like being alone may very well be my life for another decade. I certainly hope not but it’s not promising out there. I just need to relax and sleep without having to wake up at the crack of dawn for work. Being intense has its downsides.