It’s always rare to meet someone who gets me but so heartbreaking to realizing they don’t want to be in my life. It’s happened several times so far and the shit never gets easier. I cry my tears and move on but there’s always a part of me that misses them and the comfort of being understood. But I can’t make them stay. It’s just sad for me. I hate being clingy but there’s a part of me that wants to be because I don’t want to be left again. Either way I know that my time with them is limited… but maybe one day that won’t be the case. Maybe they’ll make a different decision. Just hurts sometimes. I’m tired of it.
This week I’ve realized how much I want a win in the love department. This lifelong streak of bad luck isn’t cool. The seemingly unending cycle of loving and losing just sucks. I don’t know if my standards are too high or if I move around too much. I just know that I’m tired of hoping that each person is the exception to the rule. I’m tired of catching feelings and then ignoring them. I can’t do this through my late 30’s. I don’t want to.
Growing up I had a good amount of stability. I spent most of my childhood in rural Alabama and then the rest in the Atlanta metro. While I didn’t always have my own space (3 siblings) it was still fairly stable without any huge life interruptions. Last year I decided to go rogue and quit my job, put everything in storage and moved to California. I’ve officially been living out a suitcase for about 5 months now and I mind it some days but others I don’t. It’s a new experience to go somewhere and then start all over again. I don’t have any friends and I’ve never been to this area before. But yet I know that it’s for a limited period of time and that I will try to make the best of everything. We’ll see how this goes.
I’ve come to the point where I realize that I like to escape when I feel overwhelmed. All the major changes in location in my life have been calculated but have also been the result of a major rejection. I had the opportunity to stay in the same city as my college crush after graduation, but after realizing that he would never like me I moved across the country to Colorado. In Colorado, I liked someone else. A lot. After several years I realized that it would never happened and that I didn’t want to live in the same place as him. I moved away right around the time that he got engaged to someone else. Lots of tears associated with that. Back home in the South I had a lot of mini-heartbreaks but two major ones. After the fire I pushed through and out myself back out there again. I met someone who was extremely compatible with me. We had crazy chemistry and a lot of shared values. Then (literally) less than a week in, he had some personal crisis and didn’t have time for a relationship. I was devastated. Got attached too quickly and I liked him too much and once again I got screwed over. So I moved again, this time to California. Needless to say, I’m realizing that heartbreak sometimes requires a change in scenery. Maybe I’ll settle down one day.
I’ll be honest, one of the reasons that I hate being single is that there’s no one to celebrate with when good things happen. I’m used to crying alone at this point but it would be cool to have someone to share the wins with besides my mother (who I love but doesn’t count). Other than the fact that I’ve taken myself out to eat for my last two birthdays, it’s annoying at best. Anyway, I’ve been trying for the longest to make a career switch into higher education. The problem has always been that I don’t have previous experience and I needed something to put my foot in the door. Yesterday I FINALLY got offered an adjunct position teaching online at a school that is in the top 50 in the states for my field. I’m pretty happy about it. Looking forward to learning a new set of skills and paving the way for summers off. It was something totally out the blue because I bombed the interview (worst ever) but it appears they decided to still give me a chance and I’m so grateful. Here’s to new things!
I’m the kind of person who rarely saves numbers. It’s too much of a hassle to go back through and delete them. I also tend to assume that a guy will be gone within 3 weeks or so (usually happens). In the rare cases I do save numbers, names are rarely used. “That guy,” “random guy,” and various states are heavily represented in my contacts list. If you’re important to me, you’ll be saved in my phone. Point blank.