I’ll admit that I like to send long paragraphs. I’m not a fan of being rejected in person so I sometimes hide behind words so that it doesn’t hurt as bad. Needless to say, there’s a special place in my heart for the guys who’ve taken the time to thoughtfully respond to my paragraphs. And one day I want to settle down with someone who will do that.
Once in a while my life comes full circle and this weekend was one of those moments. I’ve written a few times about a special person who I wanted a future with but could never be with because of distance and bad timing. About two weeks ago an opportunity opened up out of nowhere. It wasn’t something that I had honestly ever considered but I saw an existing friendship in a new light. Upon pondering it further I realized that it was something that definitely had some romantic potential and also felt comfortable because I knew the person well. While it was different seeing the person in a new light, it was also nice because I wasn’t starting with a perfect stranger. There were things that I already knew without asking and there was also almost a decade of knowing the person that really helped. I’ve never had something be so “easy.” It was amazing just reconnecting and getting to know the person better. I had someone that actually understood me and could banter without any difficulty. A fucking unicorn as I like to call them. But yet again, bad timing and distance. I swear these two issues seem to follow me wherever I go. But what can be done? So I decided to spend some time with this person and it was amazing. I was reminded of how good it could be if there ever was a “we.” And to be honest, that really sucks because there’s probably a good chance that that’ll never happen (knowing my life). I hate to be a killjoy to my own life but that’s the truth and while I would absolutely love to be surprised, nothing is promised. And once again that’s not something I can change. You can’t fake real chemistry and we had that. Will it be enough? I don’t know but I doubt it. All I can do is cherish the moments understanding that I may never have them again. And I have to learn to be ok with that for real without comparing everyone else to the fucking unicorn. There’s nothing like waking up to someone you actually like in the morning to remind you how lonely you are on the 364 other mornings out the year. Damn oxytocin.