I loved this picture because it’s an accurate representation of my life so far. The one anyone can talk to but no one will be there for when the tables are turned
I’ll admit that I like to send long paragraphs. I’m not a fan of being rejected in person so I sometimes hide behind words so that it doesn’t hurt as bad. Needless to say, there’s a special place in my heart for the guys who’ve taken the time to thoughtfully respond to my paragraphs. And one day I want to settle down with someone who will do that.
Once in a while my life comes full circle and this weekend was one of those moments. I’ve written a few times about a special person who I wanted a future with but could never be with because of distance and bad timing. About two weeks ago an opportunity opened up out of nowhere. It wasn’t something that I had honestly ever considered but I saw an existing friendship in a new light. Upon pondering it further I realized that it was something that definitely had some romantic potential and also felt comfortable because I knew the person well. While it was different seeing the person in a new light, it was also nice because I wasn’t starting with a perfect stranger. There were things that I already knew without asking and there was also almost a decade of knowing the person that really helped. I’ve never had something be so “easy.” It was amazing just reconnecting and getting to know the person better. I had someone that actually understood me and could banter without any difficulty. A fucking unicorn as I like to call them. But yet again, bad timing and distance. I swear these two issues seem to follow me wherever I go. But what can be done? So I decided to spend some time with this person and it was amazing. I was reminded of how good it could be if there ever was a “we.” And to be honest, that really sucks because there’s probably a good chance that that’ll never happen (knowing my life). I hate to be a killjoy to my own life but that’s the truth and while I would absolutely love to be surprised, nothing is promised. And once again that’s not something I can change. You can’t fake real chemistry and we had that. Will it be enough? I don’t know but I doubt it. All I can do is cherish the moments understanding that I may never have them again. And I have to learn to be ok with that for real without comparing everyone else to the fucking unicorn. There’s nothing like waking up to someone you actually like in the morning to remind you how lonely you are on the 364 other mornings out the year. Damn oxytocin.
One thing that I hate but also love about being a therapist is that I’m self-aware. I’m an advocate for healthy relationships where both people are committed but have yet to find that for myself. To be honest I’m just tired of trying. I know the common denominator is me and blah blah blah but it just sucks to never have had anyone who was actually serious about something long term. The scores of people who swear up and down that they want something committed but all the promises disappear when the rubber hits the road. I’m tired of being set up, tired of hoping, tired of being anxious and hoping that someone will decide to stick around. I’m just tired. I hate dating. Hate trying to build something from the ground up and having to abandon it before it even fully starts. It’s the kind of thing that makes you want to curl up into a fetal position and sob but that won’t really do anything. I just want to go to bed every night beside my best friend and have some semblance of happiness. But maybe that’s just not in the cards for me. It’s what I’ve wanted for as long as I can remember. Sometimes we don’t get what we want.
I’m a huge fan of the show Catfish and I’m only writing this on here because I like to process by writing. I met a guy online about 7 months ago. He said he was a doctor who lived in Massachusetts. We’ve texted almost every day since then but there are so many things that are just red flags. He says he’s too busy to call. I’ve talked to him TWICE over the phone in 7 months and both conversations have been under 4 minutes. I’ve asked about FaceTime but he keeps avoiding the question. I’ve asked for his last name and searched the state registry for his medical license. No such name. Every time I confront him all of a sudden I’m the one who’s in the wrong and paranoid because I refuse to fly to Massachusetts to meet him. But I’m not doing that for someone who’s identity I can’t verify. It’s crazy. But everything seems to indicate that he’s lying and that’s just not cool. He obviously doesn’t care at this point and I’m not going to pursue it further. I held on so long because I wanted him to be serious but he’s probably some old wrinkled man in some random place with an iPhone. Ok, decision has been made. He’s done. I just wish people were honest.
I hate being stood up. It just shows a disregard for my feelings. It happened with a guy recently who said he wanted to meet me but then never spoke to me again. It may happen with another guy this weekend. I just wish people wanted the same thing I do. A commitment. But that’s damn near impossible to find these days. Wish it wasn’t so hard. I just want to wake up next to the person I love who loves me back and isn’t going anywhere.
Apart from being a great Michael Jackson song, butterflies are something that I want with a significant other. I know to focus on the personality and character but I also want chemistry. Someone I’m actually attracted to. Lately I’ve been on some dates with good guys. They have careers and are stable but the attraction factor just isn’t there. Maybe one day I’ll meet someone with both.