It’s interesting how soothing it can be to catch up with old friends. I’ve heard someone say that you make your lifelong friends in college and high school and I have to agree. These past few days I’ve gotten to hang out with two friends I’ve known for almost a decade. There isn’t the awkward “getting to know you” conversation because we know each other already. And because it rarely happens that we see each other (once a year for one), that makes the time more appreciated. You can’t take people like that for granted because they are rare today.
I was recently in Charlotte, NC and I had the chance to try the Midnight Diner for the first time. I was in town for a presentation and my friend and I decided to eat afterwards. The food and service were amazing. I had the best macaroni and cheese I’ve ever had in my life. The banana pudding was amazing as well. I loved the atmosphere and the service. Definitely have to go back sometime.
I’ll admit that I like to send long paragraphs. I’m not a fan of being rejected in person so I sometimes hide behind words so that it doesn’t hurt as bad. Needless to say, there’s a special place in my heart for the guys who’ve taken the time to thoughtfully respond to my paragraphs. And one day I want to settle down with someone who will do that.
Once in a while my life comes full circle and this weekend was one of those moments. I’ve written a few times about a special person who I wanted a future with but could never be with because of distance and bad timing. About two weeks ago an opportunity opened up out of nowhere. It wasn’t something that I had honestly ever considered but I saw an existing friendship in a new light. Upon pondering it further I realized that it was something that definitely had some romantic potential and also felt comfortable because I knew the person well. While it was different seeing the person in a new light, it was also nice because I wasn’t starting with a perfect stranger. There were things that I already knew without asking and there was also almost a decade of knowing the person that really helped. I’ve never had something be so “easy.” It was amazing just reconnecting and getting to know the person better. I had someone that actually understood me and could banter without any difficulty. A fucking unicorn as I like to call them. But yet again, bad timing and distance. I swear these two issues seem to follow me wherever I go. But what can be done? So I decided to spend some time with this person and it was amazing. I was reminded of how good it could be if there ever was a “we.” And to be honest, that really sucks because there’s probably a good chance that that’ll never happen (knowing my life). I hate to be a killjoy to my own life but that’s the truth and while I would absolutely love to be surprised, nothing is promised. And once again that’s not something I can change. You can’t fake real chemistry and we had that. Will it be enough? I don’t know but I doubt it. All I can do is cherish the moments understanding that I may never have them again. And I have to learn to be ok with that for real without comparing everyone else to the fucking unicorn. There’s nothing like waking up to someone you actually like in the morning to remind you how lonely you are on the 364 other mornings out the year. Damn oxytocin.
One thing that I hate but also love about being a therapist is that I’m self-aware. I’m an advocate for healthy relationships where both people are committed but have yet to find that for myself. To be honest I’m just tired of trying. I know the common denominator is me and blah blah blah but it just sucks to never have had anyone who was actually serious about something long term. The scores of people who swear up and down that they want something committed but all the promises disappear when the rubber hits the road. I’m tired of being set up, tired of hoping, tired of being anxious and hoping that someone will decide to stick around. I’m just tired. I hate dating. Hate trying to build something from the ground up and having to abandon it before it even fully starts. It’s the kind of thing that makes you want to curl up into a fetal position and sob but that won’t really do anything. I just want to go to bed every night beside my best friend and have some semblance of happiness. But maybe that’s just not in the cards for me. It’s what I’ve wanted for as long as I can remember. Sometimes we don’t get what we want.