My love life has always been pretty much dead. There have been a few glimpses of sunlight here and there but for the vast majority of the time it is cloaked in darkness. The people who I like don’t like me back and the people who like me I don’t want. It’s a vicious cycle at this point. It’s interesting how education can end up making you more self aware. I’ve realized that for some reason everyone (at least romantically) has left me for one reason or another. Most of the time I don’t get an explanation. Just silence. This has happened every single time there’s been some semblance of hope that for once my life won’t go the way that it usually does. I’m intense. I feel hard, I love hard, and I don’t know anything different. But because I know that I’m all these things, I make a huge effort not to be too much and to be more reserved. After rejection after rejection with no end in sight I’ve come to this emotionally safer way of handling it. While it still hurts, it’s not as devastating as it used to be. The rejection part doesn’t get easier but I find it better when I can compartmentalize. I meet a guy, he’s great, conversation is good. We discuss hanging out again. He leaves and never talks to me again. It’s happened more times than I can count at this point and it would appear the streak is not ending. I always go through this mini-period of mourning. It’s not long and drawn out but it only happens when I really liked the person and wanted something more. I have to cry it out, shed some tears, listen to gangsta rap, gather myself, and keep moving. However, lately that’s been harder to do than usual. Because I met him. I goddamn fucking met him. And while I would do anything not have this thing go the usual way, once again I feel absolutely helpless and powerless to do anything about it. You can’t make people’s decisions for them and you can’t love someone else into loving you. I learned that lesson a long time ago. It’s just that when you meet someone who complements you so well, you want them to stay around. But once again (because it’s me, or because it’s fate), I don’t see that happening. It just sucks. It really fucking sucks.