One thing that I hate but also love about being a therapist is that I’m self-aware. I’m an advocate for healthy relationships where both people are committed but have yet to find that for myself. To be honest I’m just tired of trying. I know the common denominator is me and blah blah blah but it just sucks to never have had anyone who was actually serious about something long term. The scores of people who swear up and down that they want something committed but all the promises disappear when the rubber hits the road. I’m tired of being set up, tired of hoping, tired of being anxious and hoping that someone will decide to stick around. I’m just tired. I hate dating. Hate trying to build something from the ground up and having to abandon it before it even fully starts. It’s the kind of thing that makes you want to curl up into a fetal position and sob but that won’t really do anything. I just want to go to bed every night beside my best friend and have some semblance of happiness. But maybe that’s just not in the cards for me. It’s what I’ve wanted for as long as I can remember. Sometimes we don’t get what we want.
I’m a huge fan of the show Catfish and I’m only writing this on here because I like to process by writing. I met a guy online about 7 months ago. He said he was a doctor who lived in Massachusetts. We’ve texted almost every day since then but there are so many things that are just red flags. He says he’s too busy to call. I’ve talked to him TWICE over the phone in 7 months and both conversations have been under 4 minutes. I’ve asked about FaceTime but he keeps avoiding the question. I’ve asked for his last name and searched the state registry for his medical license. No such name. Every time I confront him all of a sudden I’m the one who’s in the wrong and paranoid because I refuse to fly to Massachusetts to meet him. But I’m not doing that for someone who’s identity I can’t verify. It’s crazy. But everything seems to indicate that he’s lying and that’s just not cool. He obviously doesn’t care at this point and I’m not going to pursue it further. I held on so long because I wanted him to be serious but he’s probably some old wrinkled man in some random place with an iPhone. Ok, decision has been made. He’s done. I just wish people were honest.
I hate being stood up. It just shows a disregard for my feelings. It happened with a guy recently who said he wanted to meet me but then never spoke to me again. It may happen with another guy this weekend. I just wish people wanted the same thing I do. A commitment. But that’s damn near impossible to find these days. Wish it wasn’t so hard. I just want to wake up next to the person I love who loves me back and isn’t going anywhere.
Apart from being a great Michael Jackson song, butterflies are something that I want with a significant other. I know to focus on the personality and character but I also want chemistry. Someone I’m actually attracted to. Lately I’ve been on some dates with good guys. They have careers and are stable but the attraction factor just isn’t there. Maybe one day I’ll meet someone with both.
I don’t know why but I like going to Vegas. It’s even better to go when you’re not broke. I’ve found that I really like slot machines but I also enjoy the lights and good food. One of my plans is to go back and experience a show that features an artist that I like. Recently I had a 3 hour layover in the airport and decided to play one of the many slot machines. I put a $20 bill in it and started playing. I was on a loosing streak until I went down to about $3 and then.. I hit the jackpot and “won” $52 bucks. It was so exhilarating. I got my money back with some interest and that’s why gambling is so freaking addictive. You have to know when to walk away. And while I immediately cashed out and went to find my gate, I was tempted to play some more. All that being said, I’m going to Vegas again at some point.
For the last few months I’ve been living in a lot of places. I’m in a new part of the country that has one of the most expensive housing rates and it’s been interesting. I recently did the math and calculated that I’m spending about 2 grand a month for housing. And this isn’t for an apartment, it’s for a room and bathroom in someone’s house. It’s been eye opening packing up all my earthly belongings and moving to a new place every two weeks. It’s absolutely exhausting. I’ve stayed at several places I’ve liked and others that I wasn’t crazy about. There have been some without any heat or AC and some that have not had hot water. It’s a new experience every time. I never thought that I’d miss the luxury of having a kitchen or a place where I could have friends over and chill. I kinds miss being settled but I want to be settled with someone. That’s just not a possibility right now. I kinda wish I had a home. Or someone to call home.