I’m the type of person who rarely goes on dates. They’re usually hella awkward and I end up wishing that I had just spent the night alone at home. But last night. So a while back–probably at least a year ago, I added a cute guy on IG and he followed me back. Nothing serious. We liked each other’s posts but nothing really intrusive and no conversations other than the occasional comment. When I moved to California I posted a picture at one of my favorite restaurants and he commented asking me what I was doing in his town. We both agreed that we needed to hang out at some point but it didn’t happen until last night. First off, I assumed that this guy was short. Nothing wrong with being short. I also assumed that he was going to stand me up. So when I got to the spot I ordered a drink and some food and was already chilling by the time he arrived. Oh. My. God. I saw this man in person and had to do a double take. He was so incredibly attractive. Like absolutely gorgeous. Long story short, it was a great night. He was easy to talk to, we people watched and joked around. For about 4 hours. It was incredible. I love talking to people who make me laugh. And at the end of the night he actually picked up the tab and paid a tip. And he walked me to my car and walked on the outside curb. Ya’ll know how rare that is??? I don’t know why this kind of thing doesn’t happen often but sometimes it’s nice to have a breath of fresh air and be reminded that decent people still exist. Maybe I’ll see him again. It was fun.
Dating these days is so different than it’s been in the past. So much effort is put into acting like you’re not too interested so that you don’t get labeled as thirsty. Personally I can’t stand that. It’s annoying to want something serious and then realize that the other person just wants to smash. People just aren’t serious anymore. But I have to persist because I don’t want to end up old and alone. I just wish it wasn’t so difficult to be found/find the one. Ugh.
This week I had the chance to video chat with someone that I wished everything would’ve worked out with. It’s been about a year since we’ve last spoken and the feelings haven’t died yet. There was so much unsaid during our conversation but the connection is still there. I know I’ll never have him but I won’t ever regret meeting him. Some things are meant to be at a certain time and we missed our moment. There’s occasional days where I just miss him so strongly but there’s nothing to be done about that. I realize that there’s been no one since him that compares. No one that I’ve met matches him in accomplishments, education,or ambition. Maybe that’s why I still love him despite everything–including the fact that he’ll never be mine.
I realize that I post on here a lot about being single. While it’s not the most important thing in my life, lately I’ve been craving having an intimate connection with another human being. I’m such an all or nothing person and it absolutely sucks to know that there isn’t anyone who has my back. I really wasn’t designed to be alone. I can be self sufficient and I can make my own decisions but I want to do it with an “us” in mind instead of the usual “I”. It’s just never worked out for me and it’s been the emotional equivalent of being stabbed to death over and over again until you’re just tired of trying. Tired of being open, and tired of just being a “good” person looking for another good person to be with long term. Tired of fighting for what I want and always consistently losing without a win to break up the monotony. But I’ll live. It just sucks sometimes.
It’s always rare to meet someone who gets me but so heartbreaking to realizing they don’t want to be in my life. It’s happened several times so far and the shit never gets easier. I cry my tears and move on but there’s always a part of me that misses them and the comfort of being understood. But I can’t make them stay. It’s just sad for me. I hate being clingy but there’s a part of me that wants to be because I don’t want to be left again. Either way I know that my time with them is limited… but maybe one day that won’t be the case. Maybe they’ll make a different decision. Just hurts sometimes. I’m tired of it.
This week I’ve realized how much I want a win in the love department. This lifelong streak of bad luck isn’t cool. The seemingly unending cycle of loving and losing just sucks. I don’t know if my standards are too high or if I move around too much. I just know that I’m tired of hoping that each person is the exception to the rule. I’m tired of catching feelings and then ignoring them. I can’t do this through my late 30’s. I don’t want to.