It’s funny how your life can end up being different from what you expected. I never dreamed I would feel as settled as I do now. My apartment is one that I like and it feels like home. As a result I’m not chomping at the bit to travel. Thankfully it’s also not hard because there’s still traveling restrictions. But having a significant other and dreaming with them is great even when it means that I’m staying put for a while.
Yesterday—well early this morning, I completed my second round of the Master Cleanse. It was incredibly challenging and even though I didn’t get as much sleep as I wanted I made it to the end. Also, it marked the fact that I’ve lost a little over 40lbs in the past year and I’m also not single anymore. In a time where it’s easy to gain “in love” weight and to emotionally eat I’ve managed to lose a few pounds and I’m glad for that. It also means that I’m closer to my goal and it’s a good feeling. Now that the gym is opening up again I’ll start focusing on building muscle and gaining more definition while losing these last few pounds. It’s been a hard long journey but I know that with perseverance and commitment I’ll get to where I need to go.
Once in a while my life comes full circle and this weekend was one of those moments. I’ve written a few times about a special person who I wanted a future with but could never be with because of distance and bad timing. About two weeks ago an opportunity opened up out of nowhere. It wasn’t something that I had honestly ever considered but I saw an existing friendship in a new light. Upon pondering it further I realized that it was something that definitely had some romantic potential and also felt comfortable because I knew the person well. While it was different seeing the person in a new light, it was also nice because I wasn’t starting with a perfect stranger. There were things that I already knew without asking and there was also almost a decade of knowing the person that really helped. I’ve never had something be so “easy.” It was amazing just reconnecting and getting to know the person better. I had someone that actually understood me and could banter without any difficulty. A fucking unicorn as I like to call them. But yet again, bad timing and distance. I swear these two issues seem to follow me wherever I go. But what can be done? So I decided to spend some time with this person and it was amazing. I was reminded of how good it could be if there ever was a “we.” And to be honest, that really sucks because there’s probably a good chance that that’ll never happen (knowing my life). I hate to be a killjoy to my own life but that’s the truth and while I would absolutely love to be surprised, nothing is promised. And once again that’s not something I can change. You can’t fake real chemistry and we had that. Will it be enough? I don’t know but I doubt it. All I can do is cherish the moments understanding that I may never have them again. And I have to learn to be ok with that for real without comparing everyone else to the fucking unicorn. There’s nothing like waking up to someone you actually like in the morning to remind you how lonely you are on the 364 other mornings out the year. Damn oxytocin.
Have you ever had something that you dreaded until it came and then you were happy it was over. There aren’t any words to describe how happy I am that this weekend is over. I love what I do and I love couples therapy but it is so incredibly emotionally draining. What makes it worse is that I don’t have a partner to vent to. I think it’s difficult to work hard on someone’s relationship and return to my empty apartment. Not exactly the life I imagined. Oh well.
It’s funny how much things can change in a matter of hours. A friend of mine lost her brother today and it’s another reminder of how fleeting life can be. The Universe also decided that my time of having a significant other was over. Everything without any advance notice. Other than the typical stuff, I’m actually ok. Or maybe as I’m typing the words I’m hoping that I’ll be ok. No, I really will be ok. I can honestly say that I don’t regret anything and that I did as much as I possibly could. There’s a certain closure in knowing that you gave 100% and that there wasn’t anything else you could have done to change the outcome. I believe in respecting the choices of others and while it’s not what I expected, I guess it’s for the best. It’s in these type of situations where you just wish that you had a bit more time before the shit hit the fan. Maybe that’s selfish of me but it’s an adjustment to get used to someone and to have that destroyed in a matter of minutes. It is what it is I suppose. Another reason why having someone who likes you more than you like them might actually be a good idea.
One thing that frustrates me is planning ahead when I don’t have enough information to do so. It’s anxiety causing and the equivalent of navigating a road with blind curves in a snowstorm in the dead of night. Which by the way I’ve actually done. I know that we don’t know the future but sometimes you just want enough information to make an informed choice. This month I don’t have that luxury and it’s not comfortable. Throw in a healthy dose of insomnia and a job where you works nights and it’s a recipe for fatigue and exhaustion. So this week I’ll remind myself it’s just a phase. It’s just a phase. It’s just a phase. It’s just a phase.
As I get older I realize how much I appreciate the people around me who are doing something with their lives. The more I meet, the more I realize that I need more of those type of people in my life. It’s so important to keep good company but also recognize where people are at. I think that these relationships contribute even more to our lives when they involve significant others. It’s so cool to see a couple who support each other while still holding into their individual ambitions. It irks me when I see people taking support like that for granted. But we’re all human and sometimes losing something makes you appreciate it more.
There are millions of people who live lives of anxiety. They stay in a constant state of fear about the future and what could happen. They dread what awaits them and many times it’s not as bad as they had imagined. Recently I’ve experienced an event that I can honestly say that I’ve dreaded for the past 8 months or so. I’ve made game plans on how I was going to handle it. I’ve sobbed my eyes out in anticipation of the pain that this experience would bring. And then it happened. I can honestly say that the pain is worse than I anticipated or planned for. It’s an uncomfortable place to be in. There have been certain times in my life where I’ve wished for numbness so that I could have some relief from the turmoil and this is definitely one of them. The silver lining is that this has happened before and I know that in about a month I’ll feel a lot better. It’s about getting through that in-between time. Thankfully the timing and the planned change of environment have been impeccable. Decisions have been made that will benefit me in the long run and I’m thankful for that. It’s funny how you can rationalize things and plan but sometimes the only thing that can cure a heartbreak is time. I hope it goes by quickly.
I’ve often heard people claim that they fell out of love with their partner. While logically this makes sense, I don’t understand it on an emotional level. Somehow I think that if you really love someone, you don’t ever stop. Your love for them doesn’t mean that they are required to love you back. I think true love is a logical decision that can’t be reversed. That means that it doesn’t go away despite circumstances. You don’t have to be with the person you love to still love them. You don’t have to marry the person you love. I’ve realized that love just isn’t enough to have a relationship. Other things have to be present. Romantic love can transition to content love. This happens when you want the other person to be happy regardless of the fact that they’ll never be with you in the way that you love. Love doesn’t go away, it just changes. It moves and changes shape and color but the basic elements remain the same.
The Un-edited Truth of Di 
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